Exclusive: Interview with Pluto

Pluto

Source: NASA

In an Exclusive, Fuzzlabs has secured a straight communication line with the Planet… err I mean Dwarf Planet Pluto. Discovered in 1930 by an American Astronomer Clyde Tombaugh, Pluto enjoyed the status of a planet until 2006 before it was unceremoniously removed from the exclusive group of Planets comprising of major players like Jupiter and Earth.

In this interview Pluto talks to us about its life, Kuiper Belt and Planet X.

Fz: Hello… Sir, can you hear me, sir…
Pluto: Don’t be so overdramatic dude. It’s a fictional interview. Get on with it.

Fz: O! Ok. Sorry about that. Our readers would like to know how are you?
Pluto: For start I am cold. It’s like 400 degrees below zero in here. I am covered totally with ice. I am this 5.8 billion kilometres from Earth. So, the sunlight doesn’t reach here. So It is cold as well as its dark. So you tell me how am I?

Fz: Alllrite! Moving on. Sir, There’s a high interest in your case among us Humans. Why do you think you attract such huge curiosity?
Pluto: Well, initially I thought it was because of my peculiar orbit. I am a bit eccentric you see. My position from sun varies so much so that I come before Neptune sometimes making Neptune farthest from Sun. Then, I realized no. It was because of my size. Coming after the giants like Jupiter, Uranus (lol, how does that guy live with that name) and Neptune… I was expected to be big in size. But here I am smaller than your moon. I think it was that.

Fz: One of our satellites Horizons, just passed by you. We are conducting researches on you. We would like to study you.
Pluto: Oh.. ohho. Now you want to study me. Very mean thing you did. Make me a member of exclusive group then throw me out citing random reasons. Always a fascinating subject for you Earthians. I saw your satellite; I thought it would land on me or at least orbit me. But no… Those are the exclusive rights for likes of Mars and Saturn. I am just another dwarf on farther end of the solar system, why should you care about me. Why should anyone care about me?

 

Fz: No… It’s nothing like that. It was because of our technological limitations that we couldn’t halt there. We used Jupiter’s gravity to slingshot to your place. So it was already travelling at high speed and to stop it near you we would have to accelerate it in opposite direction which would require quite a bit of energy. We didn’t have that. Dude, seriously, we would love to put an object in orbit around you… I know it gets lonely out there. We will as soon as mathematics and technology works out.
Pluto: O! please. Spare me your tears. I don’t care. I have been here unnoticed for a long time now. I have five moons for company. Charon is almost same size as me and is my sweetheart. We are tidally locked in, d’you know that? My rotation is synchronized with its revolution around me. That is we always face each other, forever. We are match made in heaven. Also, I have these kids named Hydra, Nix, Kerberos and Styx going around me. There are theories that we all were a single object before getting hit by an Ungodly celestial object splitting us.

Moons

The moons of Pluto Source: NASA

Fz: Ah! That’s interesting; 5 others who originated from you. Interacting with them passes your days I guess.
Pluto: Days… Lol. Dude, I do not receive any sunlight… like literally. It’s so annoying. So there are no days here. If you meant rotating on my own axis… then, my one day equals your 6 days.

Fz: That’s hard man. Passing a day is real pain here and I can only imagine what one year there is like.
Pluto: Oh please. It takes me 249 of your Earth years to complete one revolution around Sun. I mean, last time I was in this location… A Mughal king still sat in Delhi. This desperation to complete one revolution is what makes me eccentric, man. My orbit goes oval and I come in front of Neptune for few years. I was closer to Sun than Neptune from 1979 to ’99 recently.

Fz: Ohkayy. They say you live in this place called Kuiper Belt. What is that?
Pluto: Heh! Kuiper Belt. It’s an effing circus. That’s what it is. Region of the solar system outside the orbit of Neptune is called Kuiper Belt. It’s like a Kumbh Mela of Celestial bodies out here. This area contains hundreds of thousands of icy bodies including myself along with around trillion of comets aimlessly orbiting sun. Kuiper belt extends up to 4.5 to 7.4 billion kilometres. Area is believed to contain leftover remnants from beginning of Solar System. I am apparently the first Kuiper Belt object to be discovered.

Nasa Kuiper Belt

Orbits of Pluto and Eris in Kuiper Belt. Source: NASA

Fz: Sounds like a cool place.
Pluto: Not cool, Cold. Its freezing cold.

Fz: Got it. Uhmm… If it’s not a touchy subject for you, we’d want to know why you aren’t a Planet anymore?
Pluto: Bleh! Just after 75 years of you guys discovering me, came a bunch of snobs who called themselves International Astronomical Union. These guys laid down three criteria for a planet.
1) To orbit Sun.
2) To have sufficient mass and gravity to assume spherical shape.
3)To have cleared the neighborhood around the orbit.
I passed the first two criteria. But… hmmmmpphh

Fz: You couldn’t clear the neighbourhood.
Pluto: *cries* Yes. It was not that I didn’t want to. I just cannot. My gravity is not that strong to consume other objects around me and in turn become more massive. I am no Jupiter. They say my neighborhood is a mess. It’s Kuiper Belt, what do you expect? It’s like what Dharawi is to Mumbai. And I just am not strong enough to clean it all up.*smirks* Effing criteria. It wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t discover Eris.

Fz: How is it related to discovery of Eris?
Pluto: Some Astronomers didn’t like me from start. I guess they had an itch up their bossoms seeing me sitting in a group with the likes of Jupiter and Saturn. They claimed larger bodies will be found near me. Then they found Eris, 25% more massive than me. This created such a commotion that Astronomers were forced to find definition for a planet. And they did. And I didn’t comply with their criteria as I explained. Bloody Eris. I mean, I don’t hate that guy, but in his eagerness to be discovered, he ruined it for both of us. Now, neither am I a planet nor anyone from here can be. Now they call us… hmmpphh

Fz: Dwarf… Planets
Pluto: Yes, you witless cheese eating monkeys, you maggots living on a rock. Now I am a dwarf to you. So is Eris. Or anyone who checks the first two criteria but falls short of the third one.

Fz: Yeah… kkz. No need to get all worked up geez! Get over it.
Pluto: I am ahem… sorry. I got a little emotional.

Fz: It’s alright. I can understand. Anyway… recently, we did found some evidence of another planet in Kuiper Belt. We were wondering if you could shed some light on it.

Pluto: You, inconsiderate plonker. You disgusting heartless slag. I knew it. You didn’t call this interview to talk to me. You wanted to know of that other celestial body whom you can raise up to the Planet category. You barmy arsehole. I imagined you detected something ten times as large as your earth around here. That should explain the whole curiosity. What was it? Orbits of some bodies affected by unknown Gravitational pull. I mean you didn’t even visually observe it and you are all excited about giving it status of a ninth planet which rightfully is me.

Fz: Sooooo… it doesss exist?
Pluto: F7*&^^ you You slimy((*(^%$. I am the one who exists. Believe me I am getting massive and I will come for you. I will destroy Earth then I will destroy this Solar system. And then I will eat the sun and then…….

Fz: Ok. Ok… Thank you. Thank you very much. I think we have lost communication. So… yeah. That’s all folks. A little tensed it got there by the end but nevertheless it was an enlightening chat with one of most tragic object in our Solar System.
Hope you enjoyed it. So long.

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